


Filled Spaces: Empty Rooms (Abandoned)

by unhappydersekids



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Big Brother Dirk, Bro will later do some fucked up shit, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobic Bro Strider, Homophobic Language, I cant think of anything else its late, I will update tags as I post, Internalized Homophobia, LATER, M/M, Neglectful Parents, Pedophilia, Sexual Abuse, Sexualized Minors, Shoplifting, davekat - Freeform, domestic abuse, underaged drinking, will happen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-01-08 20:19:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12261393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhappydersekids/pseuds/unhappydersekids
Summary: The voice greeting you is deeper than you remember it ever being. Then again, that was first grade and this is eight years later. He takes a deep breath and smiles, its warm and something you wouldn’t expect from him. After all, you both used to treat each other like shit for those first years of your early education. It was hair pulling and tattle taling on each other for those years. Recess was a battle ground between your respected friend groups. That was back when the crows still visited your apartment and your sisters shared the bedroom across the hall from your own. It was a fine time of child play dramas and learning long division. It was before you knew what a fridge was really for, and when your mother was around…granted sporadically around but around.





	1. First Day

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! WOW! I posted something what the fuck?!!! Yeah, so I have a plan for this fic and shit. :)

   Today is your first day of school. You have never been in such a public space before, anxiety grips your little heart like you grip your sister’s hand. She is much better than you are at handling herself. She is the image of a perfect child, aside from her “resting bitch face” as Bro calls it. Her lips are quirked up in an amused smile at your fear of people. Kids scream and run into the building before you and your family. Some brat is crying a few feet away, what seems to be, his Grandma kisses his cheek and shushes him. You won’t cry, crying is for girls. (Despite this fact, you have cried more times than Rose ever has.) Your older brother, Dirk, gently nudges you forward. You stumble, Rose’s grip saving you from hitting your face on the harsh pavement. Taking a deep breath, you walk forward. Rose pulls her hand away to hold her backpack straps.

   You have never gone to school before. Dirk, Roxy, and Rose all went to PreK but you didn’t. Bro says it was because of your demon eyes, but you still don’t understand it. It took Mom yelling at him and some grown up time for him to agree to let you go to school. Today is your first year of the first grade.

   Dirk walks ahead with confidence and a look on his face you’ve never seen before. Roxy tags along besides, skipping as her sneaker light up in the pink little hearts. They're twinkle-toe shoes, Mom got them for her a week ago. They both go to a group of five kids. None of which you know, they all look older than your siblings. Dirk and Roxy are your older siblings; they are in 4rd grade, two years older than you. Rose walks in front of you, and you follow without word. She’s a year older than you, sometimes you think she’s smarter than Mom. She uses fancy words and seems to understand things that go right over your head. She wears worn Mary-Jane shoes but they look new. She’s messy at home but here, she is well put together. You look like an alley kid following her, a kicked puppy.

   Dirk soon finds you before you enter the door to the school, he yanks you back harder than he means to but you don’t complain. You don’t even wince! Pride for your growing manliness swells.

   “Hey, kiddo, I gotta take you to the front office first.” He says, voice smooth and oh so like your Bro’s. Roxy bounces up behind, grinning wide, her pink and purple rubber bands on her braces making her ever more charming. Her hair is up in pig-tails, glittery white eyeshadow compliments her smile. She stole if from the dollar store down the block from your apartment. You admire her quick hand and innocence that allows her to get away with it.

   They both take you to the front office, here you receive your classroom. Rose is in the 2nd grade, so you won’t see her. It’s a little disappointing but, you’re a ‘lil man’, you can handle yourself! Dirk tells you that your teacher is kind and that you’ll like her. But, you don’t know. Even at the tender age of six, self-hatred swirls in your gut, you are not smart like your siblings. Dirk and Roxy are in advanced math and science classes, while Rose is learning French. You are stupid, _worthless_.

   Sucking in a deep breath, you walk in to the class room. Kids your age swarm around desks and scream as they play before the first bell. Dirk leads you over to the desk, a woman sits there, you assume she is the teacher. She looks across the room fondly at a boy who sits crisscrossed. He has messy hair and is wearing a short sleeved white t-shirt with a small crab on the front. His shorts are beige and his shoes are untied, a girl is reading to him quietly. You look away as her attention is drawn over to the 4th grader in her class room.

   While Dirk introduces you in a very adult voice, you get distracted with the boy in the crab shirt again. Before you can spend too much time being creepy, someone pops up into your line of vision. It’s the boy that was crying outside, here he looks fine. He’s grinning wide and is missing both teeth on either side of his front two. This only makes the obvious buck-tooth grin more buck-tooth.

   “HI!” He screams into your ear, you don’t flinch but you want to. The guy notices that he has your attention and sticks his out hand awkwardly, still grinning. “My name is John, what’s yours?” His voice isn’t painfully loud now but it’s still high-pitched. His brown hair is fitted around his large framed glasses. You look him over and don’t shake his hand, Bro said handshakes were for pussies.

   “Dave.” You answer plainly, with a small shrug. This seems to satisfy him, and he grins wide. He seems like a small puppy. You’ve never seen such an energetic person before, it’s a little unnerving.

   “My name’s John Egbert-“Before he can say anything else, Dirk says your name and draws your attention away. He introduces you to your teacher, her name is Miss Maryum. Dirk makes you shake her hand, and you stand disgruntled the whole time.

   Nervousness curls in your stomach as Dirk leaves the class room and goes to his own. Without Dirk, the classroom is too big, too loud, and yet it’s too small at the same time. You sit at your seat, and carefully write out your name for the sticker that will go on it. It’s something to focus on, so you try and make it perfect.

   Your hand writing isn’t pretty like Rose’s, it isn’t as messy as Dirk’s, but it’s also not Roxy’s. Rose taught you how to write, she tried to make you write cursive but Dirk told her otherwise. Your hand writing is odd. It’s too sharp and you hold the pencil just a little wrong. You write your name as neat as you can, trying to copy the lettering of the Alphabet that is stabled above the white board. It comes out weird, much more rounded than normal. Deciding you hate it, you turn the tag over and slap your name across this side.

   When you bring it up to the teacher, she smiles at you. You stand still, and don’t smile back. She doesn’t seem to mind too much, grabbing some tape and leading back over to your desk.

   As she tapes it over the right upper hand corner of the desk, she talks. “I am aware you aren’t a people person but, I want you to introduce yourself to class.” Her words make you feel cold but you nod. You don’t openly disobey, Dirk had warned you to always do what someone tells you in school. He said if you didn’t, they’d call Bro. The thought holds heavy with the threat of a hot rooftop and a sword.

   The bell rings and you flinch, it’s louder than you thought it would be, making you jolt. She doesn’t say anything surprisingly. She pulls you along to the front of the class as kids scramble into their seats. Their eyes land on you, asking questionings. She smiles and says good morning. Thirteen small voices reply to her, all cheerful and excited for the school day. You stand as casual as you can, just like Bro taught you. She puts her hand on your shoulder, and surpass a shake of your shoulder. You don’t like people touching you unless it’s your siblings.

   “We have a new student today; his name is Dave. This is first day of school so, I’m sure you’ll all be very nice.” She says, her voice is smooth and calms you down even if she is touching you. “Introduce yourself?” She asks you.

   “My name is Dave Strider, I am six.” You say, your voice is calm and cool, Bro would be proud. Someone pipes up to ask a question, “Why do you wear those silly glasses?” You recognize him, it’s John. He doesn’t mean it in a mean way, he’s just curious but you’re sour none the less. Despite this, you don’t let it show and give a shrug. This shakes off Miss Maryum’s hand as well.

   You open your mouth but she speaks before you can, “Dave has very light sensitive eyes, he needs sunglasses to see.” You want to pout and say no, they’re cool. But, that’d be lame and you are not lame. You keep your mouth shut though, able to feel the ghost of Bro’s sword on your arms.

 

**☆ ☆ ☆**

 

   Lunch is scary. It’s just that simple but, as you enter the room, you spot your siblings. They’re in separate areas of the room. Dirk is the first one to see you, but as you start to go towards him, he shakes his head. You stop dead in your tracks, a teacher heading your way.

   His face is scared, like Bro’s. He’s scary to the other kids of your class but, he’s not as scary as Bro. When he comes up to you, he asks you what you think you’re doing out of line. You stupidly mumble to see your brother, the next thing you know, you’re in the back of the line. You don’t see the actual pain of this punishment as it dawns on you that there’s free food.

   You’re excited, especially when you get close enough to see that it’s hot food. As you’re handed a tray of food, you smile to yourself. It falls when someone screams hi in your ear.

   “Hi, Dave!” Says John, he cut in line to get to you. The few kids that came in late from washing their hands look upset but say nothing. It seems John is everyone’s friend, so you’re no different. You don’t trust him.

   “Hey.” You say as you take out the little slip of paper that Dirk handed you this morning. It has a number on it, you don’t know what it means. You hand it to the guy at the end of the line that seems to check everyone out. He takes it, glances down at you and then hands it back. He looks a little pleased as you walk away with John trailing behind you. Lunch is uneventful, you sit alone, only because you ignored John. The food is good, it tastes warm and fills you up. You’ve never had milk before but, you decide it’s gross. None the less, you drink it. It’s free after all, Dirk taught you to never let anything free go to waste.

   Dirk is waiting for you when you leave the classroom to go home, he grabs your hand and you walk along beside him. It’s not cool to be so dependent on your ‘big brother’ but you are. He’s stronger than you ever will be, he holds you when you cry. He covers your mouth when you want to scream, Dirk is always there for you.

  Technically you only have one sibling. Dirk is your uncle, and Roxy is your aunt. But, Mom and Bro raised you like you were all siblings. Not to mention how close your ages all are. You aren’t certain of family specifics, you’re only six after all. Dirk is eight, and he’s smarter than you. He understands it better than you do. One day maybe you’ll understand your confusing family tree but for now, you are content with your blindfolded eyes.


	2. Society Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without a word, he grabs his keys and slams the front door. You’re left on the ground in a puddle of your puke, the happiness of the first day of school a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!! Hey, there's a lot of shit in this chapter. Slurs, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, and some tones of sexual abuse. Bro is kinda OOC but whatever, he's gonna be more cannon in later chapters.

  It feels like the bus ride is longer than it was in the morning. You sit with Dirk as he looks out the window, tapping his fingers on his kneecap. Kids are grouped together in pairs throughout the seats, before today you had only been in a car once. It’s boring, with nothing to do and nothing to focus on besides other people’s conversations.

  Across the bus aisle from you, your sisters sit. Roxy is kneeling on the bus seat, turned around and talking loudly to the person in the seat behind. You can’t see who it is but she seems to nod along with their words. Rose, on the other hand, sits quietly. She leans out of the seat to talk to the people in front of you. You recognize her from your class. She’s the one who was reading to the kid in the crab shirt.

  Rose’s expression is…happy. It’s not her usually bitchy face or her smirk. It’s happy, content. You feel yourself recoil as she even _giggles_. Dirk looks over to you when you understandably press into his side. The bus seats are small, your backpack is on your lap, Dirk’s under your feet. He raises an eyebrow, his shades missing for now. His eyes drift to where yours are, and he chuckles a bit.

  You swallow and turn away, some jealously growing in the pit of your stomach. She’s your sister, how does some- some stranger make her _smile_ , make her _happy_. You sit, looking impassive as the bus ride goes on. The girl gets off with in the first couple stops. By the time your stop rolls around there’s only you and your siblings on the bus. Dirk ushers you to stand up, shooing you off the steep steps of the bus and onto the cracking sidewalk.

  Your apartment building is in ruins, as it always has been. This is as far as the bus route for the district goes, you’re the last stop. Here, gun shots, sirens, and screams sing like crickets in the night. Here, your eldest siblings keep you locked to their sides when you do go out. Just down the street is where your mother goes to get drunk or have “fun”.

  No one holds your hand as you all silently walk into the building. There is no one to greet you in the lobby but the same drunken lady that has always been there. You don’t know her name, and you don’t want to know it. Her brown eyes watch you as walk by, they never look away. The look of disgust on her face is there but, you don’t understand it. Dirk seems to walk faster. You’ve never heard her voice except for the times she’s up in your bro’s room. She giggles, you can’t match her voice to her face at all.

  The elevator is broken, it’s always been broken. You take the stairs, half way through, Dirk has you on his back. He knows Bro would kill him if he knew he babied you like this but, that won’t happen. Bro comes home an hour after they, and you now, get home from school. The metal door clinks open and Dirk drops you back on your feet. The four of you walk down the hall in a somber mood. Today will your first time facing Bro’s society training.

 

  **☆ ☆ ☆**

 

  Bro’s glare is hard as stone and it sends chills down your spine. You stand beside your siblings, back straight. You all stand in a prefect line, feet all facing forward. Each of your faces are impassive and lack any form of emotion. It has been an hour since you got home, and now you are part of Bro’s society training. You used to be in your room for this but, now you stand alongside your siblings.

  Dirk is the oldest, he gets the first of Bro’s pent up anger. He steps forward, staring down Dirk. His face is impassive, and you can’t tell exactly what he’s thinking. Dirk is well rehearsed, he doesn’t flinch. You feel a pang of jealously for his composure.

  “Fag,” Bro starts, you’ve heard him call Dirk it plenty of times. Rose won’t tell you what it means exactly. “No good fucking fag, lil’ shit that don’t even got a mom. All your fuckin’ fault she’s dead, you god damn piece of shit faggot. I should of killed ya when you were a baby, when that slut brought you fuckin’ home. Huh, kid? Say it, say it!”  Bro’s words sting worse than his punches, you can see the tears welling up in Dirk’s eyes.

  “Say it, Dirk.” He steps back, and Dirk opens his mouth. His voice is even for his flustered face, his teary eyes, “You should have killed me.”

  Satisfied with the answer, he moves on to Roxy. She looks harden and determined. So much different from the bubbly girl just from an hour ago. Bro gets up in her face with a glare and Roxy glares right fucking back. He’s never hit her or Rose in front of you, but you think he will now. You’ll be here to see this daily, see the daily defiance Roxy gives him. The door opens, and your mom slips in.

  Her lips are painted a smeared red, hair tousled and face flustered. Her shirt is low, showing off her boob job. Her skirt is short, heels in her hand. She makes eye contact for a second before looking away with a level of guilt in her eyes.

  “-Fucking slut, just like fucking sister! Gonna be a drunk, a little whore who will let anyone use you, won’t you? I can see it, just like your god damn sister!” He spits at her, Roxy doesn’t cry, she doesn’t let it get to her. She spits in his face.

  The look of shock across Bro’s face is something you’ve never seen. The anger that follows makes you scared, it reminds you of when you manage to get a swipe in on the roof. He slaps her. Roxy falls to the ground, with how hard he hit her. She lets out a whimper, looking up at him. Your mom stands still, shock across her own face then she looks away.

  Bro moves on, leaving Roxy on the ground, Dirk to get down and comfort her. Though, you can’t focus on that because you’re watching Rose.

  “…You’re not smart.” He starts off, “You’re not smart and you know it. You’re just going end up working as a house wife. You’ll never get anywhere, you’re not smart.” His words are simple, and they seem to get to your sister. Though, she doesn’t react. She lifts her head up and stares him in the eyes. Then, she opens her mouth. “You only do this because you’re unsatisfied with yourself, Father.”

  Before Bro can hit her, can do anything, she steps back and goes with your older siblings. Dirk is leading Roxy along to her room, whispering how she can’t keep doing that. Bro lets her go, standing still. You want to retreat but you don’t, you wait for your turn. This is only to make you all stronger, so you can take a punch and not cry like a pussy about it.

  When Bro turns to you, you’re alone. Mom has left again, leaving behind her phone and purse. Bro towers over you, his eyes have a look you only see when he comes home covered in blood. He doesn’t say a word to you, he never has directly addressed you. When his hand meets your cheek, you fall onto the ground.

  Already, there are tears in your eyes. He rips your shades off and then starts to kick you. He kicks you into the wall, kicking you until you throw up your lunch. Only then does he stop but then he just looks at your shaking form on the ground. His eyes full of hate, you feel like he wants to go further. You notice a bulge in his pants, a frown forming across you face. You know what it implies, what it means. But, not fully. You know it means he wants some special time, you know what’s it called but you don’t really understand the implications, the level of abuse behind it. Without a word, he grabs his keys and slams the front door. You’re left on the ground in a puddle of your puke, the happiness of the first day of school a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhhh point out my bullshit, please?? I didn't reread this and im high on painkillers


	3. A Long Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the darkness of your room, you open a chat room. The green text that takes up the screen makes you smile. For those few hours, you let yourself be selfish and eat up all the green text you can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey twigger warning for bro bullshit but look! dirk!! yay!! ill try to do a version with rose and roxy later butttt im bad at writing them so well see if that happens

  Holding your sister’s head still, you press the icepack to the raised skin of her cheek. He hit her harder then he usually did, Roxy hardly cries when he dares to hit her. It’s never hard enough to leave a mark but, now he has a left a mark. It’s most likely foreshadowing to how his behavior is developing. She sniffles, flinching when the door slams shut. You glance over at Rose, who stands up and holds the icepack instead. You step into the hall, and glance at the two girls. Rose stands still, holding the icepack still as Roxy blinks away more tears and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. You turn away, there is no noise from the front room, a feeling of dread sits heavily on your shoulders.

  Your name is Dirk Strider, you are eight years old. You are 4 feet and three inches, you weigh 48.6 pounds. You have blonde hair, a medium skin-tone, and a ton of freckles. You also have unusual eyes like the rest of your family, yours are orange. Not hazel, not a light brown…they are a bright vivid orange. You live in Houston Texas, with your brother, his wife, her little sister, and their two kids. You don’t remember your parents but, Derick insists that it’s your fault they’re dead. You don’t remember them or what happened to them. Occasionally, you’ll see a rare picture of them. They look like your niece and nephew, the family resemblance there. You know your nephew is named after your dad but, you don’t know your mother’s name. You know Derick hates your dad, even if he is dead. You can’t possibly understand why he would name his kid after the man he hates.

  Speaking of Dave, you need to check up on him. Bro, as Dave calls him, has never once really acknowledged him. He has red eyes but, that’s just because he’s albino. His skin is paler than paper and he burns so easily it’s like he’s combustible. He’s six and doesn’t understand a lot of things but, even so he still swears like a sailor. You blame yourself for that, a six-year-old shouldn’t say fuck as often as he does. Anyways, you doubt Derick has ever said anything to Dave verbally. You just hope he didn’t beat him senseless.

  Your hope is crushed swiftly, as you turn the corner. Laying against the wall, is Dave. He’s small, even for his age. You all are, all of you look like poor little street kids. It’s a wonder the school hasn’t called CPS. The only real meal you all get is from school, and even then, it’s just the meal deal. It isn’t near enough of anything. One carton of milk, strawberry, chocolate or regular, a hot vegetable…usually watery and a grain plus optional fruit. You have the hot meals set to memory. Monday is a chicken sandwich, soggy and plain, Tuesday is the country fried steak, Wednesday is “Chinese” (it’s just some chicken nuggets bathed in sauce), Thursday is chicken noodle and a roll, Friday they switch it up. The portion sizes are way too small, but food is food.

  You walk quick to scoop Dave up in your arms. He’s so light, just skin and bones. Vomit is on his lips, and there’s a puddle of it on the floor. You suspect he must have been kicked, Dave rarely throws up. Only when he eats too fast.  Even then, it’s just food and then some stomach acid. He cries the whole time, mumbling how it hurts. When you can, you looked up what that means. After that, you made him drink a lot of water, it seemed to help and, so you committed that to memory as well. You decide your sisters will want to help, Rose is protective over Dave. She takes it upon herself to beat up his bullies and keep his mental health as calm as possible. Even if she teases him, she still cares.

  When you enter the bathroom, they both have equal looks of concern on their faces for him. Rose lets Roxy hold the icepack herself, going to make Dave a bath. You all take care of each other, you’re pretty sure without them you would be like your brother. With only Derick to govern you, with no one to show you morals and how to really be human…. you’d be like him. You’re both from the same stone, molded from the same stuff. They are your conscious, they are the little voice that tells you what’s wrong- what’s right.

  Stripping Dave of his clothing, Roxy offers to go to the laundry mat. You make Rose go with her, as much as Roxy can hold her own…Rose is much better in hand to hand. She’s tried to stab Derick with knitting needles, and she’s faster than Roxy anyways. Roxy can shoot a gun, you think Mom showed her. But, she won’t unzip her lips about the whole process. Your attention drifts back to your little bro, holding his head up and your bathe the blood and vomit off him. You need to go shoplifting soon…. He needs to eat. His stomach is covered in forming bruises and red boot prints. You press gently on the skin, there’s no signs of internal bleeding and you thank whatever God is up there.

  Dave wakes up an hour after you’ve bathed him. He’s on the bed, wrapped up in a few blankets. You sit on the edge of the mattress, doing your homework. He groans, and you set aside the math for now. You must play mommy and daddy now. Rose and Roxy are in their own rooms, Derick doesn’t let you go into each other’s rooms or even hug. You think it has to do with the fact that he married his cousin. But, that’s something for older you to figure out. Right now, you get to baby Dave while you can. He has to go to school tomorrow, even if he feels like shit.

  “Dirk,” He starts but you shush him. He needs his rest right now. You’re usually quiet and reserved, it’s what your brother wants from you. Until you can get away, you’re going to be this way. Never talking too loud or too much. You spin bullshit around people’s heads when you do talk, just to make sure they never talk to you again. Few people find it amusing to hell and back, they are your school friends. But, they know nothing of you. They know nothing, and you plan on keeping it that way. They don’t even know your last name, or your birthday. They don’t know where you live or your favorite color. You stand beside your ever-talkative sister and watch, wait. She can bring up and topic and go with it without showing any secrets. You envy her ability to this.

  You make Dave drink some water and go back to sleep. By now, two hours have passed. Bro is back, you can hear him slamming things around in the living room. Then it goes silent, a sudden thump on your door. You know what it means, he wants a fight. Smoothing your hand through Dave’s hair, you stand up. Your mind blank, you feel like you’re watching yourself. You know there’s a word for this, but you don’t know what it is exactly. Rose would know, she’s getting into psychology.

  You pick up the sword, and open the door. Sure enough, there’s a note in Derick’s weirdly even, print like handwriting. One would think he would write sloppy but, the guy is a genius. He’s made more advanced AI then people could think, he has one running 24/7 on his porn sites. He has another leading the cops off his snuff works and deep web hitman bullshit. You’re only eight, you don’t understand it fully, but you know your brother kills people for money. You also know he’s rich. He comes late at night, sometimes. He’s almost always covered in blood, his shades missing…the look in his eyes unnerving. Those times, when you meet him in the hallway between your room and his, he looks at you almost with regret. But, when you wake back up, he’s the same person as before. You wonder if those little moments, when he could look human are what made Mom love him.

  The trek up the hard, stone stairs to the roof is anxiety inducing as always. You can feel the heat through the door, you yank it open and sure enough Derick is standing in the middle of the roof. He stands cooler than he was before, sword resting on his shoulder, hand on his hip. Grey hat in place, shades reflecting the light. He doesn’t look or act human right now. Now, he is like one of your mini fight bots, prefect at his forms, at his defense and attacks. Without flaw, without feeling. He flicks the sword down, light glinting off the edge of it. His lips quirk up in a little smirk. You know it means you’re on the defensive this time.

  You put yourself in position, and he flash-steps forward. He’s teaching you how to flash-step, it’s hard and every time you fail, he hits your ankles with a wooden stick to make you go faster. You calculate his next moves, blocking until your arms are numb from the vibrations of his hard hits make. He finally gets the final hit against your stomach when you take a misstep.

  Falling flat on your ass, you pant heavily, staring up at his reflective shades. He kicks you once, and then starts to walk away. Only then do you see his boner, your stomach churns with disgust. You understand what it means, you always have. But, those memories, those moments are blocked from your head. You stay still, and he never comes back up to get you. If he did, you know you’d find yourself in the bedroom. His hands wrapped around your neck with his smirk so wide it’s inhumane. It’s only happened three times since your eighth birthday but, the idea of it makes you want to scream and cry.

  When the door does open, the sun is starting to set. You can feel your skin is slightly burned and raw, the wounds from Bro’s sword already dried. The pain is gone but a harsh ache replaces it. A sleepy Dave waddles over to you, wrapped in a blanket even though it’s ninety out. He leans over you, red eyes drooping with sleep. He offers you a little hand up and you take it. You love Dave more than anything, he is one of the few lights in the dark beside Rose and Roxy. You know your sisters will soon be a distant memory though.

  Lately, you’ve overheard Mom fighting with Derick a lot. She’s not drunk when they fight, she’s feisty and screams about how fucked up he is. Even though, she gets drunk every day and never helps her own children. She threatens to take the girls away, you wish she would take Dave with her too. But, you know she has a deep-rooted hatred for him as well. After all, he has the same name and eyes as her Uncle who tried to stop her and Derick from dating. You don’t blame your father at all, even if you never knew him. You wish they would have never dated, but then again you wouldn’t have Dave.

  That night, you share a bowl of ramen with Dave. He eats little, due to his stomach, but you still make him eat. You give him a pain killer you stole from the corner shop, and make him head to bed. You do his homework for him, he’s had a rough night. In the darkness of your room, you open a chat room. The green text that takes up the screen makes you smile. For those few hours, you let yourself be selfish and eat up all the green text you can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, didnt proof read this so help me out


	4. Home Is Not Where the Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though school is boring, you somehow want to be back there. With all your friends, happy and content. Playing that game, and jumping on the hot blacktop, watching the normal kids play tag and hopscotch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for child abuse and sexual abuse my dudes. Point out typos and shit ya know, didn't reread this

   Kanaya is captivating as always. She’s a year older, as are most in your grade. After all, you did skip 1st grade, so you are, the youngest. You are a little shorter then the rest of the kids, like the rest of your family. You’re all too hunger, too small, too cold. Too- something. But, Kanaya. Kanaya is…. amazing. Her hair is long, her skin is a dark chocolate. Bright jade eyes stare at you as she tries to teach you Arabic. Everything of her, and in her, makes your heart pound. And it’s fucking infuriating. You like girls better than boys, most girls (including your elder sister) chase around boys in childish ways. You sit quietly, and read. Or you gather with Kanaya’s rag-tag group of friends and play along. It’s a fun game, and either way you’re extremely competitive with her. 

   School is just an excuse to show how much better you are. And Kanaya beats you in every way. You speak English, and some French. She’s fluent in Arabic, English, and French. You’re quick at math, one of the best class. She’s learning honors level. You’re pretty to look at, interesting at best. With your purple eyes, white eyelashes, and paper white skin. She’s gorgeous. She holds herself with prefect posture, unmarked skin, bright eyes, shiny and healthy black hair. Your hair can’t grow very long, it’s too unhealthy to and it’s dangerous to have such long hair. You envy her, and everything she stands for.

   The more you think, the more your see how you were like this with Jade just months before. Jade Harley, around your age, skipped a grade, and wonderful. You were passive aggressive and competitive with her before but, now she’s a close friend. Her hugs are warming, the birds nest of her hair isn’t ugly. She’s a wild child for sure but, she’s not stupid. She’s one of the smartest people you’ve ever met. Though, the school refuses to let her move into high school, she could. As could Dirk and Roxy. You’re surrounded with beautiful, smart people, when you let yourself cry- it’s about this.

   You know Dave hates himself just as much as you do but, you’re not open about it. Both at such young ages, you feel the pressure of self-hatred. You hate so deeply, that it brings no meaning to life. It’s a deep numbness, you and all your siblings experience. Dirk sits quietly and works himself to the bone, Roxy puts a front of happiness, Dave seeks to be like Bro, you…. you try to be better than _everyone_ else. From your mother, to your siblings. You aim to be more mature, more intelligent, more everything, better, always better. You must succeed. You have high goals for life, you will rise above what your parents are, and they will never be able to touch you again. You’ll be smarter, richer, prettier. They will stand at your feet and beg for mercy as you crush them with the illegal backways only the rich and famous have. You’ll break Father for his cruelty, for his abuse, and his basic nature. You’ll break Mother for her neglect and self-importance. You’ll destroy everyone who’s ever going to or has hurt your family. Your list of those to die grows monthly.

   Heavy breathing fills the humid air as Dave staggers forward, holding a sword much too heavy for his body. You stand on the side lines, behind the air conditioner unit, Father will not see you here. You are not supposed to be around to see these so-called “strife’s”, they are too violent for a pretty little lady like you.

   But, Dave is your baby brother, and since Dirk is somewhere else, you stand here to watch. To protect. Roxy isn’t as quiet as you are, she’s loud, shiny, glittery- everything of a manic little girl. Despite the spring in her step, the light in her eyes to match her twinkle toes, she’s sad. Sometimes, you wonder if she’s sadder than all of you, the deep depression has led her to take sips of Mother’s favorite poison. But, that is not for anyone else’s mind to know but yours. You must be the prefect little angel for mother, it’s a passive aggressive war. Rage and frustration for your drunk of mother is something that never stops burning. You are only seven but, you know when you’re mad, you know why you’re mad. You know more then you really, really should.

   For example, Father is a pedophile. It’s a truth you faced two weeks ago, when you saw from the bathroom, him standing over your eldest brother. You know what it meant when it…bulged. You’ve seen him recording and uploading the videos of Dirk and Dave showering to some creepy website, you know what he likes, you’ve snooped. You REALLY shouldn’t know it but, you do. It scares you but, not for your own safety, rather the safety of your brothers. Father seems unconcerned with you girls, he hardly glances at you. The most you get out of him is when you have those stupid fucking sessions of self fulfilment.

   He’s only completely fucking insane, you don’t like to use that term lightly but, Father is. He shows signs for just about every major disorder there is. But, you are only seven and therefor, you don’t know what you are talking about.

   Careful eyes watch every single move from your brother. He’s a year younger but he was born a day before you, and on the same day as Dirk. It’s ironic really, and rather stupid, seeing how Roxy and you were born on the same day too. (You wonder if your parents were born on the same days, that’d be funny.) You feel like Dave’s twin sometimes, but you’d never tell him that. You can predict his every move, none of it is graceful or planned, it’s straight up defensive and brash. He swings with reckless care, just hoping to hit Father somewhere, _anywhere_. You grip the sharpen knitting needles in your hands tighter as you can see his doom. Father looms over him, with no care for his safety, a sword drawn too close to striking Dave’s neck.

   You hardly intervene, unless Father does this, you can see how…”about” this he is. His movements are less precise but, they still could take Dave down permanently. Anger boils high as you act on impulse, running from your hiding place. You grit your teeth, the only noise is your feet pounding on the ground, the beating of your heart. Needles strike flesh, yank across the white shirt and are left there. Dave looks stunned, out of it, as you scoop him up.

   The scream of rage from father is with you as you stumble down the stairs, with Dave in your arms and feeling in your heart. He’s so much lighter then you are, it’s awful. As much as you play the game with mother, she still feeds you but, never the boys. It’s just another ploy to get under your skin, Roxy is blind to it but, you _see_.

 

 

  **☆ ☆ ☆**

 

 

   School is, school. It gets boring after a week; the anxiety has reduced and you’re now just bored. Simply sitting and waiting for recess. You have friends, it’s a weird feeling to talk to people without a blood relation to you. Your friends include, an angry kid named Karkat, his older, adopted sister Kanaya, a blind girl named Terezi, twins, John and the Jade. The list goes on, and on. You’ve somehow kinda befriend a good twelve people. Sometimes you pair into teams, and Rose joins as well. The 2nd graders have recess with the 1st graders, you enjoy it. Some of your friends are in 2nd grade, like Jade. She’s John’s twin but, she skipped a grade. Dirk and Roxy also skipped a grade, same with Rose. You think you are the stupid one of the family, after all one kid had to come out bad, right?

   Bro is smarter than you know, his mind works well like it’s a well-oiled machine. He tricks his body into not feeling pain, hunger, cold, heat. He’s a robot of a man, made of prediction and precise movements. Therefore, he’s a bad ass. Dirk is like Bro, but he’s much smarter. Bro manages to seem smart, but Dirk is smart. If he could, he’d be in college or something right now, alongside Roxy. Both are incredibly smart, to a degree you can’t comprehend.

   Dirk’s knowledge of robotics is amazing, he can even speak three languages right now. French, Spanish, and English. You wish you could be like him, he’s not scared, and he’s not a little girl. Roxy is held to the same standards in your eyes. She can break her way into anything, con her way out of things, and shoot so well it’s unhuman. She’ll let you try and shoot cans with her (stolen) bb gun but, you really suck. She can shoot a can that’s on the air unit from the doorway.

   The bell rings and kids scramble out of the hall, they run and trample over your small form. You’re the youngest one in your grade, a hand grabs you as you fall. A familiar voice is heard as you stand, the doors swinging from the crowd. “You need to wait for the hallway to clear.”

   It’s one of your favorite sounds, sweet but also grumpy. You turn to face him, his dark brows dark as always. His hair is still messy, and his sweater looks huge on him. Kanaya insists that Karkat needs to wear real clothes but he refuses to. His sweat pants actually fit, and so do his red shoes. He gives you a little push and you nod stupidly. You aren’t very talkative, but they like you anyway. You’re the best at tag, faster than anyone else. People seem to only like you for your athletic ability. You can jump higher, run faster, spin faster, just about everything. Your throw isn’t the best but, people always seem to pick you for their team first. It makes you feel good about yourself, at least you have something decent about you. You’re not as fast a Bro but, maybe one day you will be.

   Today, it seems like you’re continuing the game from yesterday. It’s overcomplicated and kinda weird. You have a session of it daily, and take a break from it once a week. This game has been dubbed house by Sollux but, you like the weird name, Sburb, John gave it. It’s like a video game in real life, only you use your imagination. So far, you, Rose, Jade, and John are on one little team since you all couldn’t be spilt up fairly. Rose, John, and Jade were on a team beforehand, but they let you join to make it even. They are two larger teams of six, red and blue. Sollux made it, he seems to have a thing for those two colors.

    Karkat leads the red team, presiding over Terezi, Gamzee, Tavros, Kanaya, and Vriska. Terezi was originally the leader but then Karkat had a fit apparently. You think Sollux is the leader of the blue team, but you have no idea. He has Fef, Eridan, Nepeta, Aradia and the horse dude on his team. You think horse dudes has an E or something, but you have no idea. He’s really weird and protective over Nepeta. You think they may be related, but you can’t tell.

   To make up for the missed time you’ve had with the game, they made you a time player. You’ve been here this whole time but according to Sollux you can time travel and that’s why you weren’t around at first. It doesn’t mess with their whole story, so it works out. They’ve dubbed the area of black top with the worn red dots on it as your ‘planet.’ Sollux has this whole chart made up about it, Aradia helped him with it. They both are really into this, as is John and Jade. Rose is just determined to break it, messing with everything. So far, you’re a little lost, just jumping around on the red dots in your area. You’re a knight, which means you have to be part of the boss fights. They call you over when someone pretends to be the monster, and you always make it faster. Though, they’ve set up special rules for you since you’re so fast.

    Karkat leads you to his area for the first time, he says he’s a knight and he has blood because it sounds cool. You don’t like it much, but it does sound kinda cool. Blood makes you feel sick, the idea of it alone makes you nausea. He sits down on of the little tuffs of grass. It’s the overgrown sand pit, he says he has little crabs on his planet. You almost made fun of it once much Terezi basically told you to fuck off and, so you did. Karkat has a crush on Terezi. It’s obvious as fuck, and you don’t know what to do about it. You like both of them, but they fight a lot. You guess you don’t have to do much but be a good wingman, right?

   Recess passes quickly, making the rest of the day long. You’re quiet for the time being, Dirk tries to make small talk with you on the bus but, you just give little shrugs and half answers.  When you get off the bus, instead of going home, Roxy decides to take you to the corner store. Dirk then decides to come along and so does Rose. It’s not often you all group together to come and get some things. You learn that Dirk and Roxy have managed to dig up ten and Rose has around 3. You have 25 cents.

   The corner store is never, ever busy. The same drugged up guy sits at the register. The place doesn’t have cameras, and K-something is too high to even pay much attention to you. The smell of cheap plastic food wrappers, and over worked machines is welcoming. The broken tiled floors feel good under your feet, the flickering lights just add to the feeling. You like the corner store, you’ve never been unhappy in here before.

   Rose buys you a slushy, it’s red cherry blast. Your favorite, she gets herself a blueberry buster. You sip it as you walk around, you don’t pay for them, the guy is too high to watch you. Leaving the corner store, you get away with a weeks’ worth of food, a couple candy bars, and some little things. Roxy has some makeup, Dirk got some toys to take apart and make better. You have your slushy. Everything is good until you all stand in the stairwell, the top floor door staring at all of you. Bro’s voice echoes down the hall as Dirk pushes open the heavy metal door. Mom’s voice shouts back, some people stand outside their own doors, looking to the end of the hall were your apartment is.

   The feeling of walking down the hall is just plain bad. Rose holds your hand, you can’t sip your slushy, you keep your head down. The pitiful stares of neighbors going into your soul, it’s like they can see past your clothes, see the deep purple bruises that litter your body, the scars.

   Its’ over sooner than expected but, as you step into the thick atmosphere of the apartment, outside suddenly seems better. Bro stands over your mom, her hands over her head. His chest is heaving, anger fills eyes you never see. This is the first time Bro looks human, somehow, it’s even more scary. You’re tugged into the bedroom by Dirk, the banging of a fight making you flinch. Even though school is boring, you somehow want to be back there. With all your friends, happy and content. Playing that game, and jumping on the hot blacktop, watching the normal kids play tag and hopscotch.


	5. Please Read if Invested

Hey, so I lost my lap top to some stupid shit. Lil brother fucking trashed the thing along with this story outline and the rest of the newest chapters I hadn't ever gotten around to. Maybe I'll try to rewrite this later but for now, it's gonna be sitting in a dusty box, sorry folks.

**Author's Note:**

> comments keep me motivated man


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